In an effort to reduce my need to type, I'm being lazy and sharing one of my submissions to a website that no longer seems to be in business. Enjoy.

New Uniforms Ruin Guests' Appetites
Orville, Nebraska—After a fresh coat of paint and new menu additions, the tables at The Whispering Pines Diner are still mostly vacant. Eric, a disgruntled busboy, places all the blame on the new yellowish-green uniforms.

While all restaurant employees were given the opportunity to vote on the color, the 17 year-old says that’s how the real problem started. “I’d never even heard of chartreuse before. So when we had to choose from purple, teal or chartreuse, I went for Door #3,” he explains.

Owner Bob Nebkin decided to save $3.98 in photocopying charges by printing the ballots in black and white. Apparently Eric wasn't the only Whispering Pines’ employee who wasn't able to put a color to a name. Out of the 37 votes, 22 were for chartreuse. Teal came in second with eight votes, leaving purple with seven.

Nebkin claims that if his staff were truly interested in seeing the colors, they could look at paint chips at Lowe’s. “Everyone’s happy when I’m spending money,” says Nebkin. “Then they start hollerin' when it’s time to work.”

But many staff members have come forward stating that it’s the uniforms—and not their poor service skills—that are turning away clientele. Lunch service, which used to average around 36 tables, has sunk to 11. After numerous requests, the split pea soup was removed from the menu.

“I don’t think I’ll be back,” said Gladys, a Wednesday regular. “Maybe they could turn down the lights or something.”

Even the new menu items of Ciao For Now Chicken and Puckering Pork Chops aren't attracting new faces. “Now our regulars are a small group of high school kids who order sodas and heckle the wait staff,” says Eric. “At least they leave a tip.”

Despite the drop in sales and the upcoming layoffs, one staff member has found a chartreuse uniform benefit. “Now I can burp my babies without worry,” claims server Lou Ann, a ten-year Whispering Pines veteran. “But this colour makes me look so bad, people on the bus ask me how my chemo is going.”