Stalked by a psychic
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
About once a week, for the past two months or so, I receive a letter from Maria. She's a psychic and she knows that I need her help. And she's more than willing to help me. With a money-back guarantee.
Some letters have contained images of talismans that I am to keep close to me. To attract good luck of course. Just last week, three "fortune" cards were slipped into a mailing, and Maria was nice enough to have the printing company inscribe the meaning of these cards directly onto them. The use of the scripty font was very convincing.
It was cute, the first few times. But now I'm annoyed. Trees are being cut down so that I can receive cheesy psychic form letters, where my name appears in random locations with pleas to respond before particular dates in order to take full advantage of the spectacular karma that I can only connect with through a personal session with her.
Seriously, she wants to come to my house. It makes since as she already has my address.
Of course, if Maria were a true psychic, would she not pick up on my immediate recycling of her letters? Would she not tremble with the distant shred of her jiffy-printed documents? How about when I turn to DH and say "Oh damn, it's another one."
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Indeed.
Some letters have contained images of talismans that I am to keep close to me. To attract good luck of course. Just last week, three "fortune" cards were slipped into a mailing, and Maria was nice enough to have the printing company inscribe the meaning of these cards directly onto them. The use of the scripty font was very convincing.
It was cute, the first few times. But now I'm annoyed. Trees are being cut down so that I can receive cheesy psychic form letters, where my name appears in random locations with pleas to respond before particular dates in order to take full advantage of the spectacular karma that I can only connect with through a personal session with her.
Seriously, she wants to come to my house. It makes since as she already has my address.
Of course, if Maria were a true psychic, would she not pick up on my immediate recycling of her letters? Would she not tremble with the distant shred of her jiffy-printed documents? How about when I turn to DH and say "Oh damn, it's another one."
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Indeed.
posted by Bonnie Staring at 11:36 PM
7 Comments:
Shoot her. No seriously.
We had a couple of siding repair people that are constantly hanging around the neighborhood putting fliers on the doors telling people to call their insurance company to get approved for hail damage repair. Ambulance chasers basically. So I shot them.
Well, I thought about it. But I was busy dealing with my stolen phone. Lucky thing for the siding people. But they'll be back.
Can you perhaps marry her off to some stuffy captain with seven children? Surely that would keep her so busy that she can't bother you anymore.
Well, it's better than setting the Nazis after her, isn't it?
What about putting "return to sender" on the envelope and dropping them in the mailbox - but do it every time.
I had a friend who started a campaign of sending the junk that comes with bills back to the sender. He had a lot of people doing it, but that was before the days of ebilling. Who knows? Maybe he had an impact on the development of ebilling.
And, if that doesn't work, go with Mike's idea. If she doesn't know what hit her, well, then she wasn't a very good psychic anyway.
Thanks guys! I'll see if I can get a group of seven young Austrian siblings to go to Maria's house and sing on her front porch. When she opens her door, they can shoot her.
The hills are alive - BANG - oh, not anymore.
Perfect!
I think you should write it into a book. Seriously, how would you avoid being stalked by a psychic? None of the usual things would work (changing your number, varying your routine, etc).
Thanks garnigal! That would be a pretty cool book. Or television series even. Of course, the last thing I need right now is a new project!
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